Here you will find the text of St. Teresa of
Avila mentioned in the book Paths of Love.
On her choice of religious life
CHAPTER III
Describes
how good companionship helped to awaken desires in her and the way in
which the Lord began to give her light concerning the delusion under
which she had been suffering.
As I began to enjoy the good and
holy conversation of this nun, I grew to delight in listening to her,
for she spoke well about God and was very discreet and holy. There was
never a time, I think, when I did not delight in listening to her
words. She began to tell me how she had come to be a nun through merely
reading those words in the Gospel: Many are called but few chosen. She
used to describe to me the reward which the Lord gives to those who
leave everything for His sake. This good companionship began to
eradicate the habits which bad companionship had formed in me, to bring
back my thoughts to desires for eternal things, and to remove some of
the great dislike which I had for being a nun, and which had become
deeply ingrained in me. If I saw anyone weeping as she prayed, or
giving evidence of any other virtues, I now greatly envied her; for my
heart was so hard in this respect that, even if I read the entire
narrative of the Passion, I could not shed a tear; and this distressed
me.
I remained in this convent for a year and a half, and was much
the better for it. I began to say a great many vocal prayers and to get
all the nuns to commend me to God and pray that He would bring me to
the state in which I was to serve Him. But I was still anxious not to
be a nun, for God had not as yet been pleased to give me this desire,
although I was also afraid of marriage. By the end of my time there, I
was much more reconciled to being a nun -- though not in that house,
because of the very virtuous practices which I had come to hear that
they observed and which seemed to me altogether excessive. There were a
few of the younger ones who encouraged me in this feeling; if all the
nuns had been of one opinion, it would have been much better for me. I
also had a close friend in another convent, and this gave me the idea
that, if I was to be a nun, I would go only to the house where she was.
I thought more about pleasures of sense and vanity than of my soul's
profit. These good thoughts about being a nun came to me from time to
time but they soon left me and I could not persuade myself to become
one.
At this time, though I was not careless about my own
improvement, the Lord became more desirous of preparing me for the
state of life which was best for me. He sent me a serious illness,
which forced me to return to my father's house. When I got better, they
took me to see my sister, who was living in a village. She was so fond
of me that, if she had had her way, I should never have left her. Her
husband was also very fond of me -- at least, he showed me every
kindness. This, too, I owe chiefly to the Lord, for I have always been
well treated everywhere, and yet the only service I have rendered Him
is to be what I am.
On the road leading to my sister's lived one of
my father's brothers, a widower, who was a very shrewd man and full of
virtues. Him, too, the Lord was preparing for Himself: in his old age
he gave up all that he had and became a friar, and he ended his life in
such a way that I believe he is now rejoicing in God. He wanted me to
stay with him for some days. It was his practice to read good books in
Spanish and his conversation was ordinarily about God and the vanity of
the world. He made me read to him; and, although I did not much care
for his books, I acted as though I did; for in the matter of pleasing
others, even when I disliked doing it, I have been so excessively
complacent, that in others it would have been a virtue, though in me it
was a great fault because I was often very indiscreet. O God, in how
many ways did His Majesty gradually prepare me for the state in which
He was to be pleased to use me! In how many ways, against my own will,
did He constrain me to exercise restraint upon myself! May He be
blessed for ever. Amen.
Though I stayed here for only a few days,
such was the impression made on my heart by the words of God, both as
read and as heard, and the excellence of my uncle's company, that I
began to understand the truth, which I had learned as a child, that all
things are nothing, and that the world is vanity and will soon pass
away. I began to fear that, if I had died of my illness, I should have
gone to hell; and though, even then, though
I did not succeed to incline my will to being a nun, I saw that this
was the best and safest state, and so, little by little, I determined
to force myself to embrace it.
This conflict lasted for three
months. I used to try to convince myself by using the following
argument. The trials and distresses of being a nun could not be greater
than those of purgatory and I had fully deserved to be in hell. It
would not be a great matter to spend my life as though I were in
purgatory if afterwards I were to go straight to Heaven, which was what
I desired. This decision, then, to enter the religious life seems to
have been inspired by servile fear more than by love. The devil
suggested to me that I could not endure the trials of the religious
life as I had been so delicately brought up. This suggestion I met by
telling him about the trials suffered by Christ and saying that it
would not be too much for me to suffer a few for His sake. I must have
thought that He would help me to bear them but that I cannot remember.
I had many temptations in those days.
I had now begun to suffer from
serious fainting fits, together with fever; my health has always been
poor. The fact that I had now become fond of good books gave me new
life. I would read the epistles of Saint Jerome; and these inspired me
with such courage that I determined to tell my father of my decision,
which was going almost as far as taking the habit; for my word of honor
meant so much to me that I doubt if any reason would have sufficed to
turn me back from a thing when I had once said I would do it. He was so
fond of me that I was never able to get his consent, nor did the
requests of persons whom I asked to speak with him about it succeed in
doing so. The most I could obtain from him was permission to do as I
liked after his death. As I distrusted myself and thought I might turn
back out of weakness, this course seemed an unsuitable one. So I
achieved my aim in another way, as I shall now explain.
CHAPTER IV
Describes
how the Lord helped her to force herself to take the habit and tells of
the numerous infirmities which His Majesty began to send her.
During
this time, when I was considering these resolutions, I had persuaded
one of my brothers, by talking to him about the vanity of the world, to
become a friar,79 and we agreed to set out together, very early one
morning, for the convent where that friend of mine lived of whom I was
so fond. In making my final decision, I had already resolved that I
would go to any other convent in which I thought I could serve God
better or which my father might wish me to enter, for by now I was
concerned chiefly with the good of my soul and cared nothing for my
comfort. I remember -- and I really believe this is true -- that when I
left my father's house my distress was so great that I do not think it
will be greater when I die. It seemed to me as if every bone in my body
were being wrenched asunder; for, as I had no love of God to subdue my
love for my father and kinsfolk, everything was such a strain to me
that, if the Lord had not helped me, no reflections of my own would
have sufficed to keep me true to my purpose. But the Lord gave me
courage to fight against myself and so I carried out my intention.- When
I took the habit, the
Lord soon made me understand how greatly he favors those who use force
with themselves in serving him. No one realized that I had gone through
all this; they all thought I had acted out of sheer desire. At the time
my entrance into this new life gave me a joy so great that it has never
failed me even to this day, and God converted the aridity of my soul
into the deepest tenderness. Everything connected with the religious
life caused me delight; and it is a fact that sometimes, when I was
spending time in sweeping floors which I had previously spent on my own
indulgence and adornment, and realized that I was now free from all
those things, there came to me a new joy, which amazed me, for I could
not understand whence it arose. Whenever I recall this, there is
nothing, however hard, which I would hesitate to undertake if it were
proposed to me. For I know now, by experience of many kinds, that if I
strengthen my purpose by resolving to do a thing for God's sake alone,
it is His will that, from the very beginning, my soul shall be afraid,
so that my merit may be the greater; and if I achieve my resolve, the
greater my fear has been, the greater will be my reward, and the
greater, too, will be my retrospective pleasure. Even in this life His
Majesty rewards such an act in ways that can be understood only by one
who has enjoyed them. This I know by experience, as I have said, in
many very serious matters; and so, if I were a person who had to advise
others, I would never recommend anyone, when a good inspiration comes
to him again and again, to hesitate to put it into practice because of
fear; for, if one lives a life of detachment for God's sake alone,
there is no reason to be afraid that things will turn out amiss, since
He is all-powerful. May He be blessed for ever. Amen. (Autobiography, Ch. 3-4)
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